SANTA FOR MAGIC

I looked at the red socks that hung on the bedroom wall, that really cute-shaped ornament commonly used by those who celebrate Christmas. I, myself, never celebrate something called Christmas in my entire life because my parents had other belief. 

They thought me of virtue, karma, and reincarnation...that what I was doing in the world today will get a reply in kind of the next life...that’s why Mom was furious when I brought the socks, maybe she thought I want to exchange my faith, but that was not really on my mind…

I heard about the figure of this Santa Claus...the figure of chubby man with bushy hair and beard as white as snow who had the kindness heart to grant any request as a Christmas gift for whom doing kind things through the whole year. My curiosity makes me come to Serafina, my friend on school, exactly a year ago at the same date as today...

"How did he get into the house?" I asked.

"Most people say from the chimney," said Serafina.

"But what if your house has no chimney? None of us in Indonesia has furnace nor chimney. So how could he manage to get in the house?”

"Else says through an open window or any cracks to our houses," said Serafina.

"How’s that so? His so fat...how could he pass through the window? "

"I don’t know! I'm not Santa Claus so sorry if I can’t answer your question," Serafina answered impatiently. "Why in sudden you interested at Santa Claus?"

“Well, I saw movie about Christmas yesterday and have this idea of hanging a stockings and writing a petition for Santa Claus in order to get present..."

"The tradition said so, but Santa Claus just a myth."

"A myth?"

"There’s no such thing as Santa Claus."

“C’mon! You had that talking for ghost as well.”

“I’m serious. Santa was just parent’s myth to their kids to cover what they do for them.”

"So it's just an artificial character of Christians?"

"Nope! The figure did exist. It was St. Nicholas who lived in Greece in the 4th century where he likes to give gifts for the poor, widows and children. The Saint’s figure was very similar to what you said, a thick beard and always wore a robe. His name was changed from St. Nicholas to Santa Claus in the middle ages by people..."

"I'm not interested in history’s lecture," I tried to look sleepy.

"Hahaha...I thought so..." Serafina said awkwardly. "I’m just telling you there was a real figure that inspired to be Santa Claus...it’s not totally made up ...but Santa Claus itself, well his totally bullshit."

"So, it means he was real, right?" I said excitedly.

"Yes he is…but that doesn’t mean he’s real literally...I mean by the reality…"

“Okay…okay…that’s should do it! You’re so funny if you looking at yourself…look disturbed answering my question. What I want to know is do you believe Santa Claus could grant our wishes?"

Serafina looked hesitated but finally she smiled, "As a kid I trust him...he gave the gifts under the Christmas tree in my house during the night of Christmas...but when you grow up...well, I just stopped making wishes..."

"Why? Are you too busy?"

"Maybe because I trust something else rather than him."

"What’s that?"

"I believe I could get anything if I try hard. No longer want to rely on a person who make you wait for a year to gave you something.”

"But he still came giving the gift, didn’t he?"

"Unfortunately not. He will disappear once you no longer trust him."

"I wanted to believe him. How could I do that?"

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I want he gave me something, I need a present from him.”

"Lia, I... I really don’t know how...I thought Santa Claus was only childhood’s fantasy...so it seems not possible for you to do that..."

"You let me think of whether is possible or not…so how’s to make him grant my wish?”

“Well, there’s some condition for you to do, you had to be good person for a year..."

"A year?" I stared. "And is that any term to be considered as good for him?”

"Doing what good people might do I guess..." Serafina shrugged. "...anything like St. Nicholas had did."

"I think a year is not enough to do it all..." I mumbled to myself. "... But that's only what had taught by my religion, so what’s make it difference for Santa Claus to count it?”

Serafina smiled, "Sock."

I raised my eyebrows with confusion, "Sock?"

"Buy sock, hang it on the wall, write your request on a piece of paper, and put into it. That's what distinguishes..."

"If I do that...I could get anything I wish?” I started to get excited.

"Such as?"

"An events may be? Or aspiration?" I replied. "Did he ever grant requests of reunite two sisters whose being separated since childhood or to unite a divided family?"

Serafina sigh, "I don’t know about that, Lia. What I know is he often gave you little thing such doll or bicycle under your Christmas tree, but perhaps he can because he’s well known as Christmas miracle... so there’s still possibility of that..."

Okay...if I just need a sock, it's not difficult...

So I bought that socks needed, a very red one, and hang it on the wall as soon as I get home. I thought I shouldn’t be wasting time because I know my wish is classified as a heavy one and Serafina said that Santa was happier if we started everything earlier at the beginning of the year.

And it almost even a year it had attached on my room’s wall, but it was not just a decoration. It became motivation and also reminder for me to do my very best to becomes 'good girl' as he wanted me to.

It’s not easy amid the chaos of life, but I managed to persuade my record company to donate some of their income from my album’s sale to help tuition fees of some orphans, take my Mom around the globe, visiting country she always dreamed to go like China, spend most of my time for listening to my friends' complaints and gave them word of motivation, opened their vision that what they had experienced wasn’t so bad as they thought, and better to thankful every day and learn not to complain when bad things happen in every minute of it...

I enjoyed it very much... it turns out people around me also felt it...they said I changed...no more Lia without passion…no more nagging Lia…no more spoiled and self-pity-like Lia. Everyday what I had in mind was only adding the list of what else I could do for others, that so I may strengthen the level of certainty as a good kid in the version of Santa Claus’ book.

And I keep doing it till today…so today is the determination day…today I'm going to see if the myth of Santa Claus can be trusted. I was eager, therefore, especially when looking at the sock and it makes Mom came into my room with that annoyed face,

"Still gazing at that ugly sock?"

"It's called a sock of Santa Claus’ hope."

"Whatever…you shouldn’t expecting something from a figure of foreign culture."

"If he can bring us hope, what's wrong with that?"

"Is that what makes you so excited?"

"I didn’t exchange my faith as your accused, thank you.”

"But still, you're obsessed with that ugly thing."

"Suites yourself, besides you told me yourself I’m change, right? And that’s because of this sock.”

Her mom’s eyes softened, "I guess I’m just afraid of losing you."

"That’s the reality we should’ve bare, Mom. But I told you it will end well. "

"Is that what you write in that sock?"

"I promised you, I allowed you to read it once I got my present from Santa Claus."

The old woman snorted, "Whatever...just prepared yourself to go to the hall. They’re waiting for you down stair.”

"I'm ready,..." I said, carrying a large bag containing a violin and prepared to go out of my bedroom.

Before I left I had heard Mommy says, "I will waste your ugly sock after new year comes. I can’t stand to see it hanging there along this year.”

I don’t say anything to reply...

I just stood still in silent and motionless as I did at the concert hall that was packed tonight... approximately 30,000 invitations meet the chairs that lay ahead, the left, and right sides of stage. I don’t know how violin’s tune could drive these many man comes and listen to me, instead of being ungrateful of what I got, but first it seems more plausible when people come to listen to the melodious voiced singer than just a violinist.

Well, the era may have changed...

Musicians who can only play a musical instrument without the ability to sing like Santana or Kenny G could perform a show that flooded by dozens of spectators and this is where I am...standing in a gleaming of blue silk dress in the middle of the stage with a violin stuck between shoulder and chin of mine. What else could I say, my solo performed…and this is it…a big event as the highest appreciation of what I've done so far...

This is the tenth song I played and again the thunderous applause of praise was directed for me. Like a well-trained puppet I smiled and bowed. These people love me...with all my shortcomings...and I loved them as well, so in this last song I want to give my very best of what they deserved…hoping they’re enjoying it and gave them the excitement…

The Neo of Moonlight Sonata...

I made this symphony all by myself, reconstruction a classical harmony of Beethoven's masterpiece and giving it a fresh new sound with a blend of retro and gamelan of Bali...the result is quite successful for my first album, Violiane. It barely unexpected by many parties, especially for my record company or myself, truth was I made it not to become big hit, it merely something makes me happy which nothing like good music.

When my fingers dancing over the strings, emerging harmonious sounds that enchanted the hearing of these 30,000 spectators in front of the stage, my thoughts drift on a cause who brought all of these mess…one name that filled my mind...Koko...

Because of him I get this damned disease...HIV Positive...which turns into AIDS as month after month while undergoing treatment with no results. Fortunately until now I managed to cover everything from Mom so I always looked healthy, though I knew she was getting suspicious about my slowly weight loss.

Even so, I can’t blame the fault to Koko completely. Thanks to him I'm still breathing today, only him who would dare to get me out of the bottom of the ocean when the sharks were being surrounding at me. It was my foolishness, or perhaps too much fun joking with friends, which makes waves dragged me off and almost led me to death.

At that moment I heard only the cries of my friends...the loudest one was Serafina...but none of them dared to plunge there to save me until he came up to me and tried to repel sharks with a haphazard way that makes him get attacked as well. I lost consciousness when he successfully pulled to shore and just remembering that his entire body was covered in blood…it could be mine actually…

He was panicked seeing I didn’t make any move, he rocked me many times and shouting my name loudly many times so that I wake up, "WAKE UP LIA, LIA...WAKE UP DAMNED IT…" but I did not budge.

In the midst of confusion, somehow he got this idea to gave me the artificial respiration, and it got snapped back in the real world...between rejecting the fact that there was man who dared to kiss me when I was powerless or either he got that breath smells, I don’t know, but instantly I spewed lots of water...water that tasted salty and shitty…

At that time my friends circling me right away and my real hero just went quietly from there. I had thought he just too shy admitting to public that he’s my hero... though to be honest I was not ashamed to admit it if he wanted me to. 

But cruel reality must be received later. The fact, I found that, after I got checked by a doctor because of this strange symptoms happened to me since then. The doctor said clearly with firm face...I'm positive AIDS!

I don’t know how but many health journal writes that AIDS could transmitted through saliva, well he surely took his mouth over me so his liquid was obviously sliding through me, besides Koko’s body was also fill with blood, and from the news I discovered a year ago Koko had died caused by fatal disease. I don’t need to find out how to get infected... it’s not important anymore...what I need to know was how to survive this disease or perhaps cure it.

In a fatigue battle that seemed endless I heard about him…out of which I hope to get a good end of all that has gone through. I want to get heal. I wanted to be what I am on my good old days. I want to be normal again. And I want to get rid of all the shackles of anxiety...anxiety that I have to go out of this world anytime now... leaving the beauty that has not been experienced fully...

I've done all the good things you want....

Have I got to be good enough for you?

Thunderous applause filled the room and they all stood up cheering. Once again I bowed and saluted before finally going to the locker room. I didn’t feel anything as I stepped toward the locker room...

The award on charity or cheers of successful concert no longer thrilling as it was on the first time when my album been released. The only thing made my heart pounding now only moments that will come soon... moments of day before Christmas where he will come to give wishes that she’s been given to him. I sat stunned for almost half an hour without doing anything, not knowing what else should I do, until there was a knock on the door...

...KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK...

"Come in..."

I sat in front of the mirror that reflects the image behind me so I could see the man coming into the dressing room. I did not recognize it in first place, but from a playful gaze I realized then,"Mr. Karel?"

"How are you, Lia?"

I got out of my chair and went to hug him. He had been like a father to me. Mr. Simon Karel is my record company’s boss that finally passed my plea to donate some money from my album sales. It's been long time since I've seen him on that contract assignation, he’s been busy traveling for business, and therefore I didn’t recognize him right away, his stomach seemed puffy and he let his beard grow adorned his chin.

"The performance was outstanding," the man said as he handed a bouquet of roses he had brought.

"It's beautiful...thanks, Mr. Karel."

"And now are you ready for your Christmas gifts?"

I looked up at the face of Simon Karel bewilderment, "What do you mean?"

He smiled and snapped his fingers. The room window opened itself, and when he stepped to the window I saw a chariot drawn eight deer out there, despite the fact that it’s a room on second floor.

"How...how can that be?" I gasped.

"You were requesting for magic of Christmas, right?"

"Yes...but I don’t really suspect that from you."

"I can come from anywhere, Lia! What do you expect actually?"

I shrugged, "I dunno...silver-bearded fat man perhaps?"

"Hohohoho..." Simon Karel laughed. "It looks like man I knew. But you prefer to choose someone you already knew, isn’t it? "

"Yes…"

"Then come, follow me..."

"Where were we?” I asked, still in doubt.

"To get your present…to set you free from pain."

I smiled to hear that and taking his stretched arms towards me. I followed him get on the chariot, which seemed a little bit awkward realizing it floating high in the air outside that second-floor window, it was scaring moment indeed and I intend to go back to that room, but at that moment I saw a figure of myself...sitting stared in front of the mirror but with a strange position, it seems like I've...dead...

"What the heck?"

The beard man hissed to shut me up, "Don’t be afraid. Everything will be alright. You will get your present, good girl."

He shaking the leash and let the eight deer started to run, they dragging the chariot out to fly into a star-studded night sky while a bell around deer’s neck clinging as if it singing a familiar song to my ears. 

Among the song I could see my Mom’s face. She’s been taking my letter out of the red socks in my bedroom... I smile...understand the whole thing at last...and Mommy would also be understood after reading letter that I’d wrote,

Dear Santa Clau ...

I don’t know whether you answered the prayers of those who got different religion like one who create you as hope of Christmas. But from my friend, I know you’re just like Buddha...seeking the good ...and the people who seek the good certainly will not refuse to give the good of others who different from the believers though, isn’t it?

Of the good that I do, I know Buddha delivered better life for his disciples but you give a Christmas gift of it. And for that may I ask that from you?

Many people who got diseases like me certainly seek for healing, but I'm not asked it for miracles, I realized I probably will not last long. Therefore let me do the good things you’ve wanted during this year, and in return for a Christmas gift..I’m asking you gift of death.

Perhaps you're wondering why I asked for this, while I do good things beforehand. It's simply because I thought the money I’ve had from record deal should enjoy by Mommy rather than for my medicine, which I know taking lots of amount to cure me perfectly.  

I've got some funds to buy property and to build a small house so Mom does not need to rent a house any longer, and that’s was just the way I could do to repay the woman who had raised me in her difficult times mostly.

With quick death I didn’t have to break her heart with preconceived notions about AIDS that undermined this body because none should blame. Koko was someone who save me from drowning and that only a person with AIDS who are willing to save me from the sharks attack in that ocean, maybe it was fate, and I don’t want to blame Koko for what he got me into...

That’s the only I ask for Christmas gifts this time...with death I could accelerate the pace towards the next world that Buddha had prepared for me… and I believe Santa Claus could give it because you are the miracle of Christmas...

Your beloved daughter who's free now,

Lia